The Dark Fairy

Granted! But now your long, rubbery schlong starts wandering off too far for you to see and starts to enter crevices you wish it wouldn't.

I wish I was a supervillain.

Granted! Your life sucks complete ass and everything you do blows up in your face, and when you finally get ahead in life, some super hero smuck smacks you down a notch or two. Welcome to the world of super villains!

I wish my fucking phone stopped blinking! Constantly getting emails, texts, face-books, missed calls, etc. so much that my goddamn phone seems to NEVER stop blinking alerting me to some unnecessary nuisance.

Granted! Your phone never blinks again...cause it's broken. Now you have to blast more money on a new phone which also never blinks again causing you to ignore important phone calls and texts from your friends and family. Your wife dumps you and your family casts you out. You then jump off a very high building right after you lodge that cell phone all the way up your rectum.

I wish I could drive in to work like I used to instead of relying on mass transit.

Granted! You have one too many and drive literally into work, killing your boss and several other assholes that actually deserved it in the process. ..but now you're not only outta work, but in prision.

I wish I could stare at someone and get them to kill them self right then and there so I could laugh at their stupidity on the news for days.

Granted! Your dark, cold stare into the mirror has immediately forced you to kill yourself, finally freeing your cheating wife from all of your scumbaggery.

I wish I could eat whatever I wanted and not worry about becoming a fat fuck.

Granted, however as part of the evilness of the dark fairy, the only thing you crave, and I mean CRAVE, is fresh semen! Everything else just tastes like ash in your mouth.

I wish I could psychokintletically manipulate objects through live tv, such as footballs, and ofc Powerball numbers.

Granted! But your powers go haywire and those powerballs get violently lodged into your rectum like anal beads and even though you like it, you die cause this forum game is insanely negative.

I wish I wasn't so lazy sometimes.

Granted! You're given unending energy and after a few days, start hallucinating from lack of sleep until after a few weeks, you eventually succumb to mental insanity and physically die from the complete lack of sleep.

I wish I could do my homework in peace... its so damn noisy around my house!

Granted! You now aren't bothered by any noises but now you don't hear anything at all but at least you won't hear that large big brother pounding you know who.

Sometimes I wish I tried hardcore drugs when I was younger.

Granted! You go back in time, get some smack from a two-bit dealer and OD the same night and as you're dying, you look down on yourself and wonder, "was it worth it?"

I wish I had THE BUTTON, and it did exactly what it was supposed to do whenever I pressed it!