Goodkidscc wrote:Im not much into fan fiction, and I want to make it clear that I didn't neg the OP.
It's not fanfiction. I never planed to let this story play in sanctuary. I don't like non-cannon things either If you gave my little story a try and could tell me what parts you found good or bad, you'd really help me out!
And sorry for thinking you gave that downvote. It just seemed weird that the first response was a simple "wat" and I wanted to get some real critics after all. You know, that felt like... you launch an app for a big company, and get the first rating of a customer with the message "first" It's simply not satisfying
Solfege wrote:As far as the size of Darlem, the story makes it clear that it's a big city, so there's no question about that. I was just personally curious how big it was. But again, if it's relevant to the story, the minutiae can be revealed at the appropriate time.
The same goes for Tony. In keeping him alive, you've made him a sort of "Checkov's Gun." In which case, a few extra details here and there would give the reader a better picture of just what sort of person he is. But obviously you don't have to tell the reader everything about him right away, since you intend on making him a recurring character. A little mystery keeps things interesting. A unexpected personal quirk or tick doesn't hurt either.[/quote]
I thought about it this way: In this world there are only a few great citys left (and a couple of smaller ones, However there are no small villages). A "city" in this world is a huge bullwark with millions of inhabitants, protected by the walls. Within these walls there isn't only a city, but there's also lots of farm land, making the total area size really large. There are some houses of the farmers located everywhere in this farmland (such as that abandoned hut)
The other citys are trading with each other, even though the trade routes are very dangerous, hence raising the price of the exotic foods and other goods by a lot. In one city a demon crystal may be completely rare, whereas a different city has a huge amount of those and can trade them for a high price to other citys, even though they are barely worth anything in that second city, gaining a huge profit.
The same is true for iron, gold, diamonds and so on.
But not every city knows about every other city, so there may be undiscovered places for people from City A, which City B may know about already.
I still have to find the right time to implement all that information. I can't put it right in the beginning. That will only bore the reader and make him drop the story after a short time. I tried to get some action into the beginning by showing that the main character isn't an innocent child. Then it's suddenly discovered that he stole a weird crystal, bringing up the first "mystery" as you called it I expected that to hook the reader first and I wanted to reward him with the second part of the first chapter: a demon that's slaughtering humans for fun while still teasing the main character, showing off her evil nature.
Solfege wrote: The same goes for Tony. In keeping him alive, you've made him a sort of "Checkov's Gun." In which case, a few extra details here and there would give the reader a better picture of just what sort of person he is. But obviously you don't have to tell the reader everything about him right away, since you intend on making him a recurring character. A little mystery keeps things interesting. A unexpected personal quirk or tick doesn't hurt either.
Don't worry, he'll be of use in the further developement of the story. I'll definitely get to him in time. Thanks to your advice, I'll have to re-write the chapters anyway, so that's a good opportunity to give out more details to Tony.
L H wrote:Or even as simply as "he ran in a way that most people would see as funny" if you want to keep the "funny" part in there. while also condensing it. Little things like those changes and flow of who's speaking for clarity will keep readers more consumed with the text and not get bored and trail off in sentences/paragraphs.
As in "keep it short and simply and don't go into every detail unnecessarily?" That's a great advice! I'll keep that in mind! thank you It will be rather difficult for me though as I simply love explaining everything in detail xD
Solfege wrote: - Why would the townsfolk look for Eric if a merchant went missing. Is Eric that well known in town? Has he threatened merchants before? Or was that just his own paranoia?
I was wondering what you meant by that yesterday. But I guess my choice of words was simply bad. I meant that if the merchant goes missing, people will look for the merchant, not for eric.