The Dark Fairy

Granted! Your new job is web-cam provocateur of illicit acts, however you're setup and put in jail by the guys you were trying to put away.

I wish I could read thoughts and change what people were thinking.

Granted! You are now professor Xavier. But now you're stuck in a wheelchair and that sucks.

I wish it was summer all year round over here.

Granted. Here....have some melanoma.

I wish I knew then what I know now.

Granted! You still know nothing so it doesn't matter. You're dead and know nothing.

I wish I knew you back then the way I know you now.

Granted! Now get back to work. That bikini line isn't gonna wax itself.

I wish we could elect President Camacho.

Granted. I have no idea who he is but he sucks and everyone blames you for the country's Mexican invasion and you get fired and then shot. You survive but can't get a job anywhere cause the Mexicans took all the jobs you applied for.

I wish I was a good dancer.

Granted. Your 17 hour shift at Greasy Greg's Sleazatorium, Hair Care, and Nail Salon starts in 10 minutes. You're on stage two. Here's your thong.

I wish people would do what I tell them to do.

Granted! Everyone literally fucks themselves. Now you can't get laid unless you fuck yourself too. Now go hit up that porn shop and find yourself that giant, black godzilla dildo.

I wish I was smart, handsome and rich instead of just being smart and handsome.

Granted! However since everyone is now calling you flubbucket you are driven into an insane rage so you get a shotgun and start killing all the whiteys you see.

I wish the weekend would last for five days.

Granted! All around the world everyone now gets a 5 day weekend. But before this law gets implemented you died. So yea...you're dead and stuff.

I wish all my wishes would come true.