The Dark Fairy

Granted! However, you choose to drive like a 60 year old Asian lady. Which is more dangerous than anything you can possibly imagine. You trample innocent children while backing out of your driveway at 40 mph. You inadvertently run people off the road and you go down the wrong way on a one way street whenever possible. God help us all.

I wish I had more time to read.

Granted! However yesterday was International Burn All Your Books day (IBAYB) so you've nothing left to read except the closed captioning on infomercials.

I wish people would gossip less.

Granted! There are no gossipers left on the planet. Except you and no one wants to hear you gossip like a 14 gear old freshman girl in high school. Everyone labels you a 2 faced asshole and doesn't even look in your direction now. Including me. Now get off the forum, ya gossiping canary.

I wish people would gossip more.

Granted! Now everyone knows about your monthly weekend jaunts "down south" and your cat shoe fetish.....but you didn't hear nothin' from me.

I wish all the bad people would get fired from my workplace.

Granted! You just got fired. Cause you're an evil person and you gossip about your job in forum games. Your coworkers know this. They come here and see what an evil forum member you are making fun of celebrities and using ridiculous toilet humor and sarcasm. Bad, bad, bad.

I wish I didn't have a crack in my tooth.

Granted! The tooth fairy stole into your bedroom last night and cemented your crack. She also cemented shut the crack in your ass. Now your body is slowly being poisoned with fecal matter and you will die horribly and painfully.

I wish people would be nice to me.

Granted! Hello flubby. How's it hanging? You're such a great guy. Love ya, Dawg. Keep in touch. You're so cool.

I wish I was flubbucket.

Granted, however switching souls does /not/ infer consciousness transference thus you still feel like you even though technically you are flub.

I wish I won ten-million a local casino (legitimately).

Granted! You just won ten million dollars and blew it the same night on whores and more gambling. You blew it!

I wish I had a hot teacher like Billy Madison did.

Granted! However since schools have outlawed spanking she decides instead of teaching to become a dominatrix and quits school leaving you brokenhearted.

I wish it was Christmas Eve everyday.